My mother had a famous question that she’d ask me whenever I called her and I was spun up about something. She’d listen and then ask, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” I loved that question because it brought me to the kernel of the issue. And over the years, I learned that if I was willing to die on that hill, it was because it was connected to a deeply held value.
Values come in all shapes and sizes. Some are big and carry weight while others may not have the same importance. Our value system helps determine our worldview and our thoughts about ourselves and others. Most of the time, we don’t see the work our values are doing behind the scenes, but when we become aware of them, we can see their fingerprints everywhere. They shape our behaviors, both in public and in private. They motivate choice. When we become familiar with our values, we’re better able to set appropriate boundaries and know how to behave when a line has been crossed.
Our values teach us who we are. When we extend that work to our spouse and family, we can have a better understanding around our conflicts and where our strengths lie in the marriage or as a family.
In working with clients, I’d sometimes counsel premarital couples or young people, and this would be one of the first places I’d start. I’d ask the client to tell me about their values. As we worked together, I would take what they offered in their effort to explain their values and then drill down to find what really mattered to them. As homework, I’d offer them my value tree. Sometimes it would take several weeks to tease out a client’s values, but after this work was done, they were better able to understand themselves and their companion.
If you’d like help defining your values or would like to work on any aspect of your value system, please schedule a coaching appointment here. I’d love to have the opportunity to work with you! https://calendly.com/shellyjohnsonchoong-com
